Illustrated by Mei-Yu Lu

MORTIMER THE VAMPIRE PENGUIN

By Jim Kohl

One morning, Mortimer the Penguin woke as the sunlight sneaked into his igloo. He rolled his tongue around in his mouth and found something amazing. He had two sharp teeth in the front of his mouth that were never there before. Folded neatly on his chair beside his bed was a black cape that Mortimer had never seen before.

"Scrubbles!!" Mortimer exclaimed, "I have turned into a vampire!"

Mortimer got out of bed and brushed his new teeth. He picked up the lovely cape and tried it on for size. He smiled at himself in the mirror with his new teeth and spun around so the cape spread out behind him.

On the chair where the cape had been, Mortimer saw the thickest, heaviest, dustiest book he had ever seen in his entire Penguin life. On the cover in gold was the title: The New Vampire's Rule Book: A Guide for Life, Volume 1.

"Hmm," said Mortimer, and he picked up the book and sat at the foot of his bed to read it. "I may as well learn something about being a vampire, if that is what I'm going to be."

The book had all the rules about being a vampire carefully listed. Rule number one said, "Don't go outside during the day." That didn't bother Mortimer. He liked night better because the sun would not be in his eyes. The other penguins used to make fun of Mortimer and the sunglasses that he wore each day on the tundra.

Mortimer sat in his new cape and read his new book for most of the morning. He tried to memorize the rules of his new life. All of the rules were fine until he got to rule number 72. It said, "Vampires must drink blood."

"Scrubbles!" Mortimer exclaimed. "That sounds perfectly disgusting. I don't want to do that at all." Mortimer turned to the last page of the thick, heavy, dusty book. At the bottom of that page, it said in tiny writing, "If you don't like a rule, please see Moogarot and the Vampire Council." Their address was there.

"I certainly don't like the blood rule. Maybe I will explain that to Moogarot tonight, whoever he is."

Mortimer left his igloo that evening and walked across the ice toward the other side of the South Pole where Moogarot and the Vampire Council lived. He pulled the thick, heavy, dusty book behind him on his little red sled. The other penguins, who were going home to bed, waved to Mortimer as he walked past in his new cape.

"I like the cape better than the sunglasses." Mortimer heard one of them say. He ignored it.

After a long walk, Mortimer found the igloo where Moogarot lived with the Vampire Council.

"Who dares disturb the Vampire Council?" A creepy voice asked as Mortimer walked in the door.

"It's me, Mortimer," he replied.

"Oh. Come on in," said the voice.

Mortimer went in. He sat on top of the thick, heavy, dusty book, which was still on his sled.

The Vampire Council sat at a table at the back of the igloo. Moogarot sat at the middle of the table. "What can we do for you, Mortimer?" he asked with a smile.

"I don't like one of the rules," said Mortimer.

"Oh, really?" said Moogarot. "Which one?"

"I don't like the rule about drinking blood," said Mortimer.

"What!" said Moogarot. The rest of the Vampire Council laughed and pointed at Mortimer.

Mortimer sat and shook his head up and down.

When the rest of the Vampire Council had stopped pointing and laughing, Moogarot said, "we are vampires. We have to drink blood."

"I don't like it. It sounds perfectly disgusting to me," said Mortimer.

Moogarot could tell that Mortimer had made up his mind. "What would you rather drink, Mortimer?" he asked. Moogarot put his hand on his chin, and the rest of the Vampire Council smiled and waited for Mortimer to answer.

Mortimer rubbed the side of his head with his wing. He wrinkled his eyebrows as he thought about his answer. He tried to think of his favorite drink. "Hmm," he said. Finally he made up his mind. "Ice water," said Mortimer.

Moogarot rubbed his face with his hand over and over. The rest of the Vampire Council laughed so hard that the vampire on the end fell out of his chair and rolled across the floor into a pile of capes.

"Ice water?!" said Moogarot. "No vampire drinks ice water; it's against the rules."

"Well, I'm a vampire. And I'm going to drink ice water. And there is nothing you can do about it." Mortimer felt very strong, and he stamped his feet.

"But the rules, Mortimer." Moogarot hesitated.

"I'm sorry. But that rule doesn't make sense. I understand all the rules about not going in the sun and not bragging about being a vampire and not making fun of people, but the blood rule…I find it perfectly disgusting, and I won't do it." Mortimer stamped his feet one more time.

"Be reasonable, Mortimer," said Moogarot. Moogarot could tell that Mortimer had made up his mind. "Mortimer…At least drink someone else's ice water."

"That is reasonable," Mortimer left the Vampire Council's igloo with his thick, heavy, dusty book and his sled. He was happy with the new agreement.

Mortimer was happy until he took his first drink of ice water. Ralph, the fur trader, left a fresh glass of ice water next to his boat. Ralph had planned on drinking it first thing in the morning. Mortimer covered his beak and his vampire teeth with his cape. He sneaked up on that glass of ice water like an expert vampire. He attacked that glass of ice water and bit into it. "Ouch!" he cried. The ice water was too cold for Mortimer's new vampire teeth. He rubbed them until they got better.

Mortimer looked in the thick, heavy, dusty book and saw rule 305. That rule said, "You must use your vampire teeth to drink."

"That will never do," said Mortimer, and he put the thick, heavy, dusty book back on his sled. Mortimer and his sled headed back to the igloo where the Vampire Council lived.

"Who dares disturb the Vampire Council?" A creepy voice asked as Mortimer walked in the door.

"It's me, Mortimer." He said.

"Oh…Come on in again, Mortimer," the voice said.

Moogarot and the Vampire Council sat at the same table as before.

"What is it now, Mortimer?" asked Moogarot. One of the Vampire Council giggled a little when he saw Mortimer.

Mortimer sat on top of the thick, heavy, dusty book on his sled and said. "I found another rule that I do not like."

The Vampire Council started laughing as soon as he said it. "Ice water!" One of them said.

Moogarot raised his hand to quiet the laughing vampires. "Which rule is it this time?" he asked. He rested his chin in his hand.

Mortimer straightened out his cape and said, "I don't like the rule about drinking with your vampire teeth. Ice water is too cold for my vampire teeth, and it hurts to drink with them."

"What!?" Moogarot said. "How would you rather drink, Mortimer?"

The Vampire Council started laughing as Mortimer thought. He rubbed the side of his head. "Hmm," he said. "I think that I would like to drink through a straw."

"A straw!!" shouted Moogarot. The members of the Vampire Council could not control themselves. They slapped each other on the back and hooted and hollered and laughed more than they had in their lives.

Mortimer sat on the thick, heavy, dusty book and straightened out his cape.

"Vampires do not drink ice water through a straw!" Moogarot slammed his fist down on the table.

"Well, I'm a vampire," said Mortimer. "And I'm going to drink ice water through a straw. And there is nothing you can do about it." Mortimer felt strong again, and he stamped his feet. He turned to leave the igloo.

"Wait, Mortimer. Be reasonable," said Moogarot. Moogarot rubbed his face. "Mortimer…At least sharpen the straw and drink someone else's ice water through the side of the cup."

"That's reasonable." Said Mortimer and he happily went on his way from the igloo.

Mortimer did just that from that day on. If you ever leave a cup of ice water alone at night, and you come back and it is empty, check the side of the cup for a hole. If you find one, you know that Mortimer has been there.

Jim Kohl was born in Philadelphia, PA and lived in New Jersey before he moved to San Jose, CA when he was 5. He has a degree in English from San Jose State University. He taught English for 5 years, and he currently works as an editor. Jim lives with his wife and three kids in Modesto, CA. Jim has a book (Noble Poverty: A Teacher's Life in Silicon Valley) out and a second one on the way.

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